Starting to remember…

If you read my last post, you already know that there was some serious both/and going on for me last week, with Jesus, with living with CP and with the work I get to do with clients. I have a pretty cool follow up to share…

With all my wrestling last week, reading the book of Mark again (different at this point in my life,) and struggling with some pain and frustration due to re-learning my body post-pump implantation, I was pretty weary. I came to Friday which in some ways is my Sabbath after a busy week. I’ve been struggling with some insomnia due to some muscles and joints over-compensating for the new learning and still trying to figure out my balance. I was frustrated that God was “silent” about these issues, at least from my limited perspective, and there was a lot more output last week and a lack of input on my part to recharge. Friday was a perfect emotional storm for me (bless my dear husband!)

After some fantastic “therapy” with my dear friend and hairdresser, Kim, I spent some time trying to connect with Jesus, but felt stuck. I tried to journal, but just felt mad. I tried to work out and that only seemed to frustrate my already frustrated body.

Hubby was so wise, listened as I finally cried, “what if this is the best it gets?” I was referring to this “new body,” post-pump surgery.

“It’s not, we’ll get it figured out. Go see Luke.” He hugged me tight.

Luke is my physical therapist. He is the best combination of listener, encourager and coach in regards to recovering or relearning this body. I have seen him off and on for many years, as CP is not a one and done in terms of rehabbing. He is so familiar with my body’s quirks and is able to push me when I need it, reframe my frustration and cheer me on with the efforts of recovering. I am so thankful he is on my team. He also loves Jesus, which is an added bonus.

I warned him as he entered the room I waited in that I was going to cry today. He smiled and stated, “I’ve got Kleenex.”

I gave in to the frustration and weariness of the day, the fear that this was my new normal and also shared my wrestling with God. I lost count of the Kleenex I soaked for a few minutes.

He was reassuring as always, saying to me, “it is too early to know what your body will do with all the changes. We will keep working on it. I don’t believe this is as good as it gets for you.”

I sighed, thankful that he believed it and we got to work. An hour later, I walked out a bit easier, grateful for his perspective and professionalism, ability to help me understand these muscles better. I also always feel like these appointments are a gift from God (even though the efforts sometimes make me swear under my breath.)

After a stop at my favorite gift shop for a tiny bit of retail therapy, I felt another nudge in my spirit.

The wrestling as I was reading Mark had me stuck and I was not ok with that. I sat in my car in the sun and dialed my dear friend and Pastor, Ross. It was another few minutes of God-appointed conversation.

My tears again flowed easily, but as I fought my vulnerability, I also was grateful to be known and safe in my humanness. Ross is a great listener, encourager and friend. He also brought me the wisdom of his years of studying the Word, giving me perspective to chew on related to faith healing, my feelings of
injustice that God felt silent and encouragement to continue working it out with the God of the universe. He prayed for me with the compassion of one who knows, had no judgement for my “tantrum,’ for lack of a better word and just showed me the heart of the Savior in those few minutes on the phone.

Our evening was filled with friends who are family, the laughter and fun that were exactly what I needed.

The next day, I just rested, read, wrote and then another evening with dear friends. God was meeting all my needs with these interactions, prompting me to rest and just be. Behind the scenes I believe he was knitting together reminders of his presence, his love, care and meeting of my every need with the people in my life, his love and truth.

Sunday morning found me trying hard to get moving and get ready for church. All of the sudden, as I walked from my room to the bathroom and then the closet, my legs seemed to “remember” how to walk…

I stopped, taking in a breath. Before that moment, my movements had felt so forced, awkward and not my normal. But in that moment, my legs seemed to just take a few steps without me instructing every step. I looked at my husband who was also getting ready.

“Watch me walk a second, does that look normal?” I asked Matt. He nodded, then I asked him an even weirder question.

“Show me how you walk across the room.” Funny, he didn’t even flinch. He smiled at me, maybe shook his tush a bit and showed me again how to walk. In that moment, the tumblers in my brain seemed to fall into place a bit. It was both so strange and so miraculous. I have been waiting for this body to go back to normal, or at least find a natural pace without the lifelong spasticity I’ve had. Why this particular morning?

I think part of it was God’s very grace in saying, “I am not going to take CP from you. But I am here with you, I know you are kind of at your wit’s end. I am going to answer your prayer for relief differently than you are asking for. But I will always answer you. I am always in this with you.”

I felt the angst that had been building inside me since Friday at least (and probably longer), begin to dissipate with the feeling of Jesus’s presence in my steps. I felt the peace I had been seeking start to push the frustration from my body and a little bit of confidence in my steps move in and replace it.

In the few days since, I have not had to work nearly as hard for each step, emotionally or physically. I have been able to be kinder and more mindful with this body, trusting that the knowledge of how to walk is still there. Some of the overcompensating tendencies are settling down, which means also the pain that comes from overcompensating is mellowing as well.

I am stunned with the way God answered my prayer for relief this time. It is not the miracle that I hope for, that one moment I will have CP and the next it is gone. But, it is a miracle in its’ own way, that this body does indeed hold memory and that things are improving.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you for the permission to be angry, weary, lacking understanding and not holding it against me. Thank you not giving up on me. Thank you for the people in my life that show me more of who you are and meet me in the right ways and time because that is your prerogative. Thank you for relief that is different than I hoped, thank you that your ways are so much higher than mine will ever be. Thank you for the grace and mercy of new steps and that you are always in it with me.

I pray that you see God in the most unexpected places today, in the love and presence of people who are with you and are the very representation of Jesus. I pray that if you are feeling hope or hopeless, that you experience the presence of power of Jesus in the most amazing ways: the safety of loved ones, old things made new and surprise answers. I am praying for you…

Both/and

xoxo