Dear John and (*Sarah),

When we parked my wheelchair on the lawn at The Grand Rapids Symphony Picnic Pops a few weeks ago, I was preoccupied. You see, I was finally going to see, in person, Sutton Foster. I could go on and on, but the short version is, when I had my youngest daughter in 2011, Sutton was in the middle of Tony Award Season for ANYTHING GOES. I happened to catch her and the cast on Good Morning America and was completely mesmerized. The real truth is, I am always, always captivated with dance. The power of the human body, the control and the beauty is especially poignant to me as a woman with cerebral palsy.  I cannot imagine being able to dance, move or even have the body of dancer. I often dream of it in heaven though and the role model of my heavenly dance has been Sutton Foster since 2011.

Somehow in June I became aware that she was going to be performing very near my hometown and I nearly lost my mind.

Hubby and I made the evening a date night and I could not have been more excited. We parked our car and as I leaned over to hug him and tell him it was already, even before the show started – a perfect date night, a parking attendant gently knocked on the window, looking sheepish. Hubby opened the door and she said, “Would you like a golf cart ride to the seating area?”  I was grateful, told her so, and then made a joke about our quick hug. “Oh, you guys are so cute!” She said.

A golf cart ride through the meadow, with tree frogs already singing. Dusk was still a bit off, but I looked forward to sitting and talking with my love before the symphony started. The driver of the golf cart dropped us off at the entrance to the park where the stage was lit and ready. A volunteer directed us to the ADA seating and though we had to go over some uneven grass, hubby is a pro. He parked my wheelchair and then unfolded his own camp chair and sat down close to me. An accordion player was on stage and it was the perfect “picnic” backdrop. His joy playing the accordion was palpable and the music was lovely. I glanced around, taking in everything around me…lots of joy, laughter, food aroma, instruments beginning to tune up; crickets, and –

I lost my train of thought as she stood up in front of me. (She looked like a Sarah, even though I have no idea what her name really is.…) I couldn’t tell how old she is, but her shirt caught my attention first. SheRUNS Grand Rapids. Running, is another longing that goes unfulfilled because of CP. I smiled thinking of her getting to run, looked at her familiar steps, the AFO’s on her legs and the way she held her friend or family member’s arm.

It ALWAYS catches my attention when there are other CP warriors in my proximity because the statistics for CP are 1 in 374. And even in that, because of the range of affectedness, the number is more like 1 in 20,000 when you think about seeing someone else like yourself with CP. Yes, I definitely notice my fellow warrior friends. I felt our similarities, even though I didn’t get to meet her.

While I was watching everything around me, someone else arrived in his motorized wheelchair, came to a stop next to hubby. I immediately knew he was another CP warrior. But it was also his smile that caught my attention first. His person was beautifully attentive and I was so touched, because I know this devotion from hubby.

His body had more contractures than my own, his hands curled with spasticity. While I sat quietly considering the warriors around us, I felt a certain kinship. And then, a huge wave of what I can only describe as “survivor’s guilt.” As I heard him speak to his person about unwrapping his sandwich, his speech was also impacted by CP. I sat thinking, how lucky am I? I am moderately affected…AND I AM affected. I sat wrestling with both realities, neither of which I can deny.

I felt an odd pull to engage with John so I struck up a conversation…

We joked a bit about the lack of cloud cover and the hot summer sun. I teased him about stealing the fan around his neck, that we would pay big money for it… I introduced hubby and myself to both he (John) and his person. She was crocheting and began telling us about winning first place at a recent craft show with an entire nativity she created. John smiled a few minutes later and told me, “you can get cheap symphony tickets because you are a wheelchair user.” We joked again, “I guess there is one perk to having CP.” (A joke only someone with a disability might get away with saying…)

John was completely engaging and delightful. Hubby and I so enjoyed our conversation. Still, my heart was weighty with guilt and questions. I am very aware of the world. I am certain that many would be awkward regarding engaging with John because of the “differences.” Hubby bantered with John while we waited for the symphony to start and I loved that too. Yet while I sat there, the weight of the ease of our life and the realities stayed with me…

Suddenly, the symphony began and there, in person were Sutton and Kelli O Hara. I was in awe…

Sutton Foster seems to be a lifelong dancer. I have memorized some of the clips I have seen, especially with tap dance. She put her tap shoes on, the notes of Anything Goes began and I cried at the beauty. But I think I also cried a bit for so many of us who can’t dance, but nor do we have some of the most simple functions like walking unattended or at all.

It was, an evening full of both/and.

I will never forget any of it – the moments of sitting in a crowd, three (that I could see) of us CP Warriors; the massive sense of gratitude that I have that my affectedness with CP is not more severe, the grief I feel that anyone suffers with disability at all, and the tremendous beauty, and awe at the talent in the world.

I so wanted to tell Sutton Foster what she means to me, but that was not possible. So, dear Sutton, if perhaps this writing finds its’ way to you, thank you for inspiring me. For sharing your gifts, talent in both dance and song and for the joy you bring.

Thank you Jesus for these moments that I am not entitled to, but am gifted with. Thank you for my people who help, understand, love, support and honor the things that matter to me.

Blessed beyond measure.

Both/and

Xoxo

Psalm 16:9