A matter of faith, hope and not getting the answer we want

I can remember paging through the Bible often as a kid. The pages were tissue thin, had a sound all of their own. I loved the “red words.” When I learned they were the words of Jesus, I loved them even more. I could feel the aliveness of the Word; hope, love and power seemed to flow out of the very words of God, breath and life in each verse.

I can’t tell you how old I was, but picture a very young version of me, lying on my stomach and paging through the mysteries of the Bible. Suddenly, I come across John 14:13-14 (NIV), which states: “And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it”. I remember sitting up with an understanding (and hope) for what this could mean for me personally with cerebral palsy. It may have been a little like asking Santa Claus for my heart’s desire, but not toys.

That’s where that particular memory fades…

But over the course of my life, I can remember praying with all my heart, with all my trust and belief in God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, that cerebral palsy would be removed from my body, my being. As I’ve studied scripture, the stories and miracles of Jesus, the healing he performed, it has been a point of wonder, confusion, frustration, hope, despair and yes, continued faith. The paralytic, brought to Jesus by his friends, rewarded for his faith with get up and walk…

The woman who bled for years, healed as Jesus’s garment slipped through her fingers… can you imagine the moment when she felt his very power heal the ache in her body that for so long kept her prisoner from her friends, community and life?

Parents ripped apart with the death of beloved children, only to witness the tender words and power of Jesus to give life and breath back…

Those judged and exiled from their community due to disease and pain, healed in an instant, quiet word from Jesus…

Yes, I have drank these parts of scripture in as a child, teen, young adult and still now as a mom and woman who has loved Jesus longer than I haven’t. I wrestle, praise, cry out, plead, love and surrender, over and over again.

I am again reading through the Bible, through the lens and wisdom of the Bible Project. It has been so transformative. I am learning and understanding the background, context and some of the history I have so longed for in my life. I find myself craving the Word in ways I only dreamed of.

As I began the New Testament (again) this week, it threw me off to feel a familiar sadness, despair, longing, jealousy. I began reading the Gospel of Matthew. Then Mark and the stories of healing, redemption and wholeness leave me feeling so many conflicting feelings.

“Son, your sins are forgiven.” Jesus tells a paralyzed man. “Which is easier, to tell him, your sins are forgiven or get up and take your mat and walk?” The next few sentences became about the lessons, the teachers and his authority. All, important things. But as I have felt so often, became the question in my mind…was he healed because of his faith? Does it all come down to me not having enough? Could that be why the answer for me has always been “no?”

As I am reading the gospels, there is such a painful, familiar both/and, the ache of faith and belief, and the answer for me being, “no.” It is a massive mystery to me, the ways God heals some and not others.

In my work, I hear so many things:  hope and restoration, the most difficult, hopeless, despair and many things in between. And I have learned to live with not being able to understand it. The family whose child died on vacation, the woman diagnosed with cancer in the prime of her life. The teens living without their beloved mama when they need her the most, the cancer that takes life far too early. The infant who begins breathing against all odds, cancer that goes into remission against great odds. Hard – won sobriety and strength, day by day.

I was speaking with a client, who talked about the fear of impending decline for a brave loved one who is valiantly fighting cancer. I was listening, then gently asked, “How is this between you and the Lord?” I internally expected the familiar sense of unfairness that often rises, “why our family, why so soon when there is so much life left to live together.”

“I just feel gratitude that we’ve gotten to be together this long.”

I was so moved and afterword, thanked God for what this client had taught me in that hour. As I’ve wrestled with my own “whys,” this week, the clients’ beautiful perspective came back.

Even though my limited understanding struggles with the mysteries of Jesus’s ministry, who and how he chooses to heal and how to live with waiting to understand it all, for me, the overwhelming truth of grace and mercy in it all reminds me again and again who Jesus is…

If I am going to love him, then I must accept HIS very being, the good, and the things that will not make sense to me in my limitations. I am thankful that he invites me to bring my pain, confusion, even jealousy sometimes, and he changes those, even if he doesn’t heal CP this side of heaven. I am thankful he transforms my difficulties into gratitude and surrender…

And I DO love him. So much. So, like any relationship, I continue to learn, love and know him. I continue to pursue his heart, so good, right and so intensely full of love. And I embrace the mystery of “no,” knowing that when it is time for my yes, the YES will be tender, loving and redemptive.

What a day that will be, for us all. Until then, I pray for you in the yes’s and no’s, the heart-bending difficult and the glorious good. I pray we can be there for each other, in it all. I pray that you (and I) can try to keep loving, trusting and knowing God’s heart, no matter what. Because it is so worth knowing….

Both/And

Xoxo

James 1:17