For your elevation…

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It is just barely 24 hours post-thanksgiving celebrations; my stomach still feels full of all the goodness, as does my heart. From the gratitude and love experienced in our church home to the love of family and friends, mouth – watering meals, laughter and moments unforgettable to the white blanket of snow outside my window that seems to simply whisper, “all things new,” I am quietly taking it in this morning.

Who am I to have received all the blessings of this life, this last year? From life, breath, health, love, support and provision, God has seen to every little thing and every big thing. Friendships, hope, new beginnings, reflection on the journey and the most care, I am in awe of how He loves.

Just moments ago, a breathless call from my boys, (husband and son) telling me of their sheer joy in getting out to hunt this morning. Perhaps this is not YOUR thing. Maybe yours is antiquing, photography or singing. Your breathless re-telling may be joy of seeing the new WICKED movie, playing with children and grands or like my good friend, Davis, knowing all the dogs in the neighborhood. Davis also really loves trash cans, isn’t that cool? I love how God has given us each unique and beautiful reasons to be grateful. I love that they can be wide and as varied as individual snowflakes and grains of sand.

One of my biggest joys recently has been the opportunity to participate in the Educator’s Neighborhood through the Fred Rogers Institute. I applied in the Spring to this initiative through the institute to carry on the work of our favorite neighbor. There are monthly meetings focusing on a specific topic important in the development of healthy kids and families, spending time with a group of professionals who still love Mr. Rogers and his neighborhood.  It has been so rich already, to spend time with those who love and value Mr. Rogers, his approach of love, kindness, knowledge and care in the hopes of carrying these values into our professions, our families and even ourselves.

Last month, we had the opportunity to listen to Hedda Sharapan, a renowned scholar of child development and someone who worked so closely with Mr. Rogers, the Neighborhood and the production of the show. To listen to her share stories of time with one of my heroes, from both a professional and personal level – well, let’s just say, wow…

One of the things she shared with us has been niggling in my brain since that meeting. She recalled how she used to read scripts with a producer’s perspective and then would give them back to Fred with a note, “for your revision.” She then told us, “Here’s the thing about Fred. He just elevated everything. He was intense about the show, writing the scripts, the music, being a master puppeteer, and encouraging all of us to care that much too. He elevated all things, even listening to and caring about people. I began changing the note from, “for your revision to for your elevation,” because he just elevated all of us.” (Note, this is not a direct quote from Hedda, instead, it is my own paraphrase of the conversation with her from that meeting.)

FOR YOUR ELEVATION….

I’ve been thinking how wonderful it was that this is how she experienced him, that she shared that perspective with us and how incredible it was, that he truly lived, elevating others. And as soon as I realize his gifts in loving others, my brain (thankfully) whispers, “so much like Jesus…”

Yes, so much like my Savior. Always elevating the Father. ALWAYS, right? How I wish to be that way! I think it’s the most beautiful compliment and further, the most beautiful way of being…

I asked this question recently on my social media accounts: what does it mean to elevate others?

A few of the answers: “Making someone feel special and important by your words and actions toward them.” “Encouraging others in their endeavors.” “Looking for the best in people and sharing that with the person and with others.” “Filling their cup! Tell them why it is you choose to have them in your life. Tell them the ways they are special and loved.”

This too, inspires me. There were so many brilliant and compassionate responses.

I encounter so many brave people, witnessing the ways they elevate others even when struggling with something personally. I have dear family and friends who inspire me to keep giving, caring and loving even when it seems hard. There is a level of hope in elevating others that seems to redeem “the good in humanity.”

It is the season of Advent, another that reminds me of “the good, elevation.” The Bible Project defines it this way:

Advent means “arrival” and signifies the start of an event or the arrival of a person. In Christian communities around the world, Advent refers to a four-week season of remembering and celebrating the arrival of Jesus on Earth. It’s a time to reflect on the unexpected nature of Jesus’ humble birth and join in the anticipation of when he will come again to reunite Heaven and Earth once and for all.

We reflect on the concepts of hope, peace, love, and joy—one for each week leading up to Christmas. People may light Advent candles, prepare unique wreaths, hold special church services, or read specific Scriptures each day to reflect on the arrival of Jesus on Earth.

Jesus, the hope of all hopes…

The reason for all humanity to celebrate, to elevate one another this holiday season.

What gifts, to focus on hope, peace love and joy AND the arrival of Jesus, then and now? Elevation, in every sense, right? This gives me chills, hope and a renewed sense of purpose.

May we be those in the world who indeed, work toward and for the elevation of all the good things. May we use our words, actions, hopes and talents toward making the world a better and brighter place, now and always. May we exemplify the lives of those we admire, who’ve worked tirelessly to live like Jesus.

And Jesus, may we always live in the expectation and love of you, our maker and creator. For you, lived for the elevation of God the Father and died so we could be with him. May we always remember why you came, arrived here as a helpless babe in a dingy stable and died on a cruel cross. For our elevation…

My heart, at the end of this week, feels torn in so many places.

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It’s not that I don’t agree with people’s right to choose. I say it all the time, to brave clients to my kids, to myself. We each DO get to choose.

I have spent months processing the strain and stress of this election cycle with those in every part of my life: friends, family, clients, strangers, colleagues. I have spent years talking to those retraumatized and disenfranchised due to the actions of D. Trump. None of this is new to me either, there is always some who strive to make others feel less, to make themselves feel better.

Yes, I respect that people get to choose, it is what our amazing country is built on. But I cannot abide (and what I have spent hours listening to and caring deeply about this week,) the loss of human dignity, respect, care, and decency. From women who are fearful for their own health, the many ways in which I am hearing sexual abuse survivors, become retraumatized by some of his words and sound bites or even the fact that an abuser has been elevated and chosen.

I cannot abide texts to children that recall and instigate again the atrocities of slavery, things that majority of us will never have to face but for many brothers and sisters, what their ancestors did. The fear and reality of racism increasing confirmed just days into this new reality.

I don’t know how to answer my own family’s imploring questions about how those of us with disabilities might be treated after mockery on a national stage. Nor do I know how to comfort those I love in the LGBTQ+ community.

My warrior teacher friends who are terrified with implications of sweeping education reform, the anger against Christians, from Christians and about Christians…

The realities of all these and so much more leave me utterly breathless…

And…. still we have love; still we have hope, care and where we can find those who want to understand each of our lived experiences, compassion, empathy, and more love.

My personal comfort comes and remembering the sun still comes up each day as it did before, God is still magnificently on his throne and not surprised by any of it. He loves deeper, cares infinitely more and is so sovereign, even if it’s hard to see that. Because I know all of this deep into my bones, I’m going to keep trying to love, to continue supporting those who are hurting and fearful, as well as trying to understand the perspective of those who are happy, post election, 2024.

Here is my plea with all of this in mind: just for a minute if you haven’t had to endure these difficulties, I’m thankful on your behalf. I would ask for kindness and understanding for so many who have and are so scared for so many reasons. Let’s not forget each other, or contribute to the pain that so many are encountering today.

If the selection came down to economy for you, there’s so much more to this than that in my professional and personal experiences.  If it came down to abortion and saving the lives of babies, do we have the same passions to save the lives of those around us?

Please consider this not as judgment if we differ in opinions, but simply a plea to value, dignify, and love each other. There is so much good in the world. And there is so much harm and hate. May we be a nation that contributes to the good and lessens the ugly hard. Though there has been so much more ugly hard in my corner of the world, especially this week, I still believe that God gives us the capacity to be more.

My beautiful daughter, as we were processing her thoughts and her heart after voting in this election, so beautifully reminded me of this verse. I am stunned by her faith. I am ever grateful.

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” Lamentations 3:21-24

Both/and

Xoxo.

Having a full heart, a lot of thoughts, and holding it kindly. (New post below!)

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No matter where you are today, you are important. https://stacymcneely.com/my-heart-at-the-end-of-this-week-feels-torn-in-so-many-places/

Whatever we have to do…

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I wrote this Monday, but for some reason had difficulty publishing it…

She smiled at me, eyes full of depth, love and joy.

“Mama, you are always there for us.”

My heart jumped up to my throat in that very second. The dialogue in my mind was so ready to argue the minute she said it to me. “No you’re not, you completely blew her off the other day. You didn’t show up for her rehearsal, you overslept so she overslept and she is really stressed out about her busy day.” My inner critic was instantly telling that I kept screwing things up as her mom.

“I love you so much, Mama.” Her arms slid around me and the hug she so willing gave leveled me. I held her back, brushed the hair off her forehead and kissed her head.

“I love you too, babe; more than you will ever know.”

“Oh, I do know mama. You tell me all the time.”

Though this interaction was with my youngest over the weekend, it has been with my older two over time as well. Consistently, they love in spite of my “mistakes,” my inner critic and all the ways I am human.

Perhaps you relate? I have been alive AND a therapist long enough to know that I am not in a minority in the ways that we beat ourselves up, emotionally. It is by far, one of the most common themes that show up in counseling. We have soaring expectations of ourselves, our conversations, our stamina, our parenting, communication skills, parenting and the list could go on and on…

It is increasingly more difficult in our society to be kind to each other, let alone to ourselves.

It would be easy for me to become jaded as a therapist in the world as we know it today. It is one day before the 2024 Presidential election, the world is exceedingly polarized and it seems, lacking empathy and filters with our friends, family and loved ones. If I am honest with you, I am not jaded, but I am a bit weary: the biting and bitter rhetoric that comes at every turn, families and friends who walk on eggshells with one another, a profound loss of respect and finally, saturation by ads, mailing, phone calls and texts. Yes, I AM a bit weary…

More than that though, I am sad. I am pained and hopeful for something so much better for all of us.

 Dr. Martin Luther King Jr said, “If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

Whew….that’s a thought, isn’t it?  Whatever we have to do…?

What have those before us done, in order to keep moving forward? Our history books are full of those who have worked, scraped, sacrificed and never given up to keep going forward. Our Bible – the very life and love of Jesus…

We took communion at church yesterday and our guest pastor talked about “taking, receiving and giving.” I can’t stop thinking about that today…

It is my hope and prayer today, that we can really SEE one another as we vote or maybe already have. Can we see the person just ahead of you at the polls, another who is wearing the opposite candidate’s t-shirt as someone’s mom, dad, teen or grandparent? Can we see ourselves speaking to others as if they ARE those people in our lives?

I’ve been doing a lot of talking with those who have been around longer than I. Most reflect to me, “Elections were not this way before. If your candidate won or lost, you may have been happy or sad, but everyone realized this was democracy and why we all get to choose. It has become so divisive, splitting relationships and involving a level of anger and bitterness we’ve never seen.”

How about you? If you are reading, do you agree? Or is it difficult to remember anything other than how the political landscape feels today?

Here’s my thought today… if this is all you can remember, both political parties with drive to win, to be for America, but with decidedly different approaches and the spirit of pain, dissension and ugliness that we can all feel, let’s make the next 24 hours better. Let’s make the days and weeks following Election Day, results and everything after, BETTER. Let’s make that our most important goal, no matter what – as if we actually WOULD, FLY, RUN, WALK, CRAWL OR WHATEVER WE HAVE TO DO TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

******

*Here I am, the day after this election has been completed. I read through these words I jotted on Monday and they are poignant to me. “Whatever we have to do to keep moving forward…”

This takes on a new meaning for all of us today, I suppose. However you land with these results, celebrating or hurting, hopeful or disillusioned, God is for you, he is for us, ALL.

Take good care of your hearts, your thoughts, and your people. Breathe, look around, find something beautiful right where you are.

“Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.”

Frederick Buechner

Both/And

Psalm 13

xoxo

New post –

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Hey there, I am not sure how long I will keep posting here and on my business page. We are working on adding a subscribe button for direct notifications on the new page.

Until then, here are some new thoughts today and beyond. God is good.

https://stacymcneely.com/whatever-we-have-to-do/

New post!

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Hi there! I have a new post just published here! I am so sorry for the delay, working diligently on the new merged site that combines my work and my writing. Thank you for your patience as we are trying to get the new site set and just as user friendly. Until I can get the subscription button in place, please use the following link to connect with my writing there.

I so appreciate your reading, feedback and interaction. Writing is such joy to me.

Blessings and seeds of joy, https://stacymcneely.com/unlikely-friends-beauty-lupines-and-desperation/

World Cerebral Palsy Day, 2024

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I find myself in a strange, yet lovely and new spot as I age. I am far more accepting of myself, the roles that I am called to, the ways these change like the tide and the ways they are beautifully and achingly the same. My role as “mom,” is ever-changing as my kids also age. With my oldest in college this year, my 17 year old son on the very brink of adulthood and my 13 year old daughter changing before my eyes, I would be remiss if I didn’t take an honest look at how I am changing as well…

They don’t need me the same ways they always have; they need me in different ways now. (By the way, THIS change is also wrought with both/and, the grief of changing family dynamics and the exhilarating moments of growth.)

Yes, I MUST acknowledge both/and as our family shifts a bit…otherwise, I forfeit the beauty and right-ness of God’s plans for all of our lives, rather than becoming bitter, fearful and sad at all the independence and therefore, change, that plays out in every moment of every day in our family.

There are other changes too…

I have been working for two full years with EMDR International (EMDRIA) to become a certified EMDR clinician, which will reach completion this week. Just as quickly, I will begin the process of becoming an approved consultant with this ground-breaking organization. As I look at the next chapter of this career I love dearly, I am focused on bringing continued perspective and growth to brave clients as well as assisting other therapists who also care deeply about complex trauma and the healing work of EMDR.

I am a part The Fred Rogers Educator’s Neighborhood for the next year as well. I am very honored to have been accepted by Fred Rogers Institute for this year long study. Along with a group of others who have been impacted by Mr. Rogers, we are together learning  how to utilize Mr. Rogers’ wealth of knowledge, study and perspective in many areas of child, family and  professional development. Though we have met only twice, I am so thankful to rub shoulders with others in the world who genuinely believe, like Mr. Rogers, that kindness really does change us all. And heavens, don’t we all need more kindness in the world?

As there always is in life, there are difficult adjustments too: this week, two significant deaths in our world. Though I specialize in grief and loss, it is still very personal when it happens to you or in your very personal corner of the world. Losses bring us to the opportunity (I say this so gently,) to look back, to grieve again or in new ways and to use losses to inform how we want to LIVE going forward.

There are new and enduring friendships, growth in so many areas as we have recently come home, again to the church that played such an important part of my life from age 14 – 24. God has stretched, challenged and blessed our family in profound ways in the process of leaving our former church, grief like I have never known in that process and the faithfulness of finding a new church community. It is both the biggest blessing to be cared for, to be vulnerable and to love and care for others in this new and not new church home.

Finally, there is the both/and as World Cerebral Palsy Day was observed on October 6, 2024.

It is a heart-wrenching thing, this part of my identity that I so wish wasn’t AND after many years of grappling with what it means for and about me, to find pride, hope and love for myself and fellow CP warriors. It is so holy to see, validate and celebrate the bad-ass-ness (I made that up, can you tell?) that comes with living with and caring for those with this disability. This week, a friend finally got to bring her son (who has CP) home from at least a month’s stay in the hospital for complications with seizures and other physical issues. I am stunned by her son’s (and her own) positive attitude after so much. For as much shame as I have carried and overcome in my lifetime around my own diagnosis with CP, it is gift to be able to smile and be proud on World CP Day.

Here’s the thing…God is not, will not and has never been surprised at the ways he created us, the things we do need to go manage here, apart from heaven and how we are limited in our humanity in the midst of these things. He IS with us, even if it feels like he absolutely IS NOT. Deuteronomy 31:8 says, ” The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Ohhhh, that’s such a hard one, isn’t it? We are so human in that feeling that says, “why does God put me through this? He COULD change _________________…..”

I hear it multiple times a day and my own reaction is understanding the question AND compassion. What I hear in that phrase, I immediately  think, “oh, he is NOT, putting you through it; he is holding you, as he himself hurts that this is happening too.”

I do not understand all the mystery that surrounds the what’s, how’s and whys that surround God and his sovereignty. I have been there too, crying in rage, frustration and desperation. I have also come to a place where there is more peace in releasing the whys to God’s care and fully trusting him anyway…

I suppose that is how, after many years, many feelings, many experiences and many prayers, I can joyfully put on my green World CP day t-shirt, raise a “cheers,” to my fellow bad-asses, and hold space for that rather than the negative.

I am curious, how are you experiencing change in this season? Maybe we can hold each up, give more care to ourselves and others and float on these crazy waves of change rather than fight them…

God, who is in it all, through it all and who holds it all together: Thank you for understanding our limits, frustration and even anger when things aren’t changing for the good. Thank you being near, always. May we seek your understanding, your heart and greater trust in your love and goodness. May we see ourselves and each other with your vision, compassion and desire for whole-ness. May we know love and joy as only you can give.

xoxo

Both/And

Deuteronomy 31:8

A couple changes….

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Hey there, there are some exciting changes coming, at least for me!

Through the help of my friend, Dan, we are working on stream-lining this blog and my professional website. It will be undergoing some upgrades in the weeks to come and I am excited about that. What does that mean for you?

For now, it simply means that I will start publishing under my professional website, linked here!

I will keep this updated with changes for a while, just to keep people current.

Please go to this sight, where you can read past blogs, a new one today and see what is happening for me professionally.

https://stacymcneely.com/world-cerebral-palsy-day-2024/

https://stacymcneely.com/

I appreciate your readership, encouragement and engagement!

xoxo

Stacy

Angst, agony, excitement and hope…

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You can feel the energy building in your body, your head spinning….realize you must find a way to manage it….

Lace us your shoes; you leave your Air Pods home and now listen to each footfall, hoping you will find the answer to the question that is rattling your insides, even though the question itself is unclear.

You’ve been here before, this restless, angsty spot that feels both frustrating and exciting at the same moment. And even though you have felt this restlessness before, each time it is again surprising and unknown.

Maybe you are a high school senior, with a horizon full of dreams, questions, fears and possibilities. Or you are a newly pregnant mama with so many feelings at once. Perhaps your spot is one of fear, and unknowns you didn’t ask for. You are on an edge of new things, even though you simply long for “the old.” Maybe you are in a job that has lost the joy and you dream every day of the next or new chapter. Finding love again after a broken heart, a job transfer, retirement or something else. Maybe you are taking on a new challenge in your career or longing to add “____________” to your story.

Whatever THIS spot is for all of us, It IS both an exciting and terrifying one. Sometimes the both/and is an extremely difficult thing to hold inside ourselves.

The older I get, the more I realize that living in the both/and is far more important and “normal,” than it is to have a “definitive answer.” What I mean is, most of the time I am teaching how to acknowledge and get comfortable with the unknowns rather than helping with a single dimension of emotions and experiences.

I recently spoke with a parent who is newly divorced and is adjusting to a new life, including shared custody of their child.

“Stacy, I can’t just be ok. As soon as I pick up my child, which I counted minutes until I could do so, I immediately begin dreading the moment when I have to bring them back to my ex.”

This is actually a common difficulty that is voiced to me in the privacy of therapy. I cannot imagine that sense of joy and dread at the same moment. I pray for many who find themselves in this situation – it is one of the most difficult in the world from my perspective.

I spoke with another parent who said to me, “dropping my child off and leaving them at a college many hours away from our home is one of the hardest things I have ever done.” The sheer agony of separation after you have poured your heart and soul into them is impossible to comprehend. And, the joy of watching our beloved kids soar? Well, that too is indescribable. I can relate.

The now and not yet…

both…and.

Our lives are more full of these sentiments than the moments of feeling just one feeling (and now that I mention it, we’d all just love to feel “good.” would we not? )

I can see so many clients, friends and families faces as I type. It is agony to be IN the hard; pure agony. And, when we have someone with us, to hear, hold, yell, comfort and understand, it becomes a bit easier.

May I give you a glimpse into my office – where both/and is the standard?

She hung her head and cried until her whole body shook. I sat across from her in my office, feeling my own heart hammer as she described “fighting cancer again.” Her journey held so much insult this time around. She and her husband had both just retired, planned a “trip of a lifetime,” and now had to forgo it so she could begin a grueling and hopefully life-saving regimen of chemotherapy.

“I know you are going to BOTH/AND.” She blew her nose in soggy Kleenex and I leaned toward her with a box of new ones. She took two out of the box, then blew her nose demurely.

“Yes, I might….but then again, maybe not yet,” I answered her. We talked about her faith, her love for Jesus and her anger at him that seemed to bubble up without any warning. We talked about the injustice of the new diagnosis, mere months after a routine checkup with her family doctor. We talked plainly about fear and the terror of death. Then she straightened up, sat primly in my office chairs and tried to switch gears, I think for my benefit.

“I’m sorry, I’m good now…I’m sorry I cried.” She looked at me from across the room and I felt internally sad at the whiplash she had just been through. She began finding every single reason to get away from the subject she had just wept about.

“That must be so hard to have such limited time to feel all these hard emotions,” I started gently.

“No, I am fine!” She stated with false bravado.

“You are allowed to be scared.” I said, meeting her eyes. “Do you know that it’s ok to say that, both here and anywhere you need to?” She dissolved into shaking sobs again, soaking another Kleenex.

Our next few months were filled with ALL the both/ands, fears of leaving her beloved family, loathing about medical side affects of chemotherapy, injustice and cancer; comfort found in her well-worn Bible and relationship with Jesus Christ and her wonderings about heaven. She wouldn’t talk about it, much, just referring to it, “when I get there.”

We talked often about my favorite Psalm, 13. It is the ultimate both/and to me.

She continues to fight the cancer that threatens her body, but not her heart and soul. She only rolls her eyes a little when I still mention both/and. Her eyes glisten when she speaks of being with Jesus and loved ones she longs for. In this context, the excitement for heaven is as real as the hope for more time.

She continues to teach me more than I believe I teach her. Love, passion, drive and joy in the life she gets to continue living. Not letting fear drive, we say throughout our time together.

She is just one that I have the honor of spending my days with. One of the strongest I’ve ever met, along with her family. There are others in their own middle, each battling to hold feelings that seem to oppose one another. They tell me often about being disgruntled that they know both/and AND grateful that they know both/and.

That is exactly right, being able to acknowledge our grief, pain and fear that may not be best described with words….and, holding unswervingly to the hope we profess.

“Stacy. When will I get THERE? When will I just be ok?” You would be shocked at how often I am asked this or something very similar. Oh, my heart WISHES I could answer this in the way soo many would like me to…I cannot. I often answer with something like this: “I know it’s so hard to wait…how do you care for yourself in the waiting for the next right step.” This is my verbal reply. Most of the time, this is the answer in my own head, sometimes a version a what I say to clients, my beloveds, or myself: “You are getting there, In exactly the right time, in the way he allows. If there is the right college decision, getting an answer after tryouts, awaiting test results, finding fulfillment, love or purpose after a long drought, Jesus is already there. Keep holding on, trusting yourself and being kinder than necessary. In the meantime, give grace. Listen more, speak less. Be a friend to yourself and others. Allow for the whole range of being human, feeling all the things, receiving comfort in many ways and trusting that somehow, all shall truly be well, even when we can’t see it.”

xoxo

Both/And

Psalm 13