Tag Archive for: Jesus

Anger is easier than vulnerable…

/0 Comments/in /by

After a week full and by full, I mean 11 sports events for my two oldest kids, my body is completely spent. My muscles have been tight and reactive, causing my back to tighten up and sending everything else into spasms as well. When I walk, I feel like these legs have become sticks, or steel rods, unbending and taunt. I long to be ” a normal mom,” attending my kids events with ease, simply walking up the bleachers, or across the the green, uneven grass. And, I am trying so hard to be kinder, honor and not be angry with this body. That has been my go to, to simply become furious with my body because of what it could not do.

How silly is that? Or maybe stupid? To blame and shame this body that has worked so hard, that has endured so much. This body that fights and shows up even when it is so hard. THIS body that God says he created, IN HIS IMAGE. I wonder if you do the same? If anger is just EASIER than care, acceptance or dare I say, love. Why is that? Why are we so hard on our very selves at the time when our very selves need even more care and encouragement.

Anger is a million times easier than vulnerable. And most of us are masters at getting our needs met, OR avoiding feeling at all out of fear of feeling too much… I have been asked many, many times both in my life and in my office, “what if I start crying and I can’t stop?” I usually talk about the fear of that and gently remind people that I have never had to sleep in my office because someone couldn’t stop crying. Not even once.

Kinder is letting the tears come; reaching for the person who will listen, even when it’s really vulnerable to do so. Fierce self compassion says, care about yourself the same way you would about your best friend. Show up for you rather than beating yourself up for having feelings at all. As hard as it is to be kinder, its truly much harder to come out from under shame, fear and worthlessness.

Acknowledge the vulnerability, frustration and sadness, or whatever you don’t want to feel while also acknowledging the hope. I was ridiculously blessed this week as I desperately tried to be kinder to my body. My husband was so present and made sure that as my muscles fired “extra,” he was never far away. My kids were kind with hugs, prayers and care. And my youngest heard me talking to my husband about purchasing a new massager but wanting to wait due to some upcoming bills. She didn’t miss a beat. “Mom, take my pet-sitting money!” She quickly retrieved it and brought it to me. I could not believe it, I didn’t see an ounce of selfish in her eyes, I just felt the love of God, profoundly.

On the flip side, a dear friend who normally does not “let people in,” was going through a particularly hard week. I was very honored that she trusted me with her tears, anger and staggering loss. And at the same time, grateful, knowing that she had a bit of relief just “being herself for a few minutes” even though there was no “fixing this.”

Oh so hard…and so good to be loved and supported. I pray that as you go into the week, you can find more kindness for yourself and others, you can feel hope for the week and that even in the struggle, you can trust yourself even a bit.

Both…and

Psalm 13

Ebenezer

/2 Comments/in /by

At the start of the year, for a reason that could only be the Holy Spirit, I came across many posts about “The Bible Recap.” There was ALOT of buzz about the podcast, the host and reading through the Bible in a year. I will NOT usually jump on the bandwagon if something is picking up popularity. Not because I don’t believe my friends or acquaintances, but because I don’t want to do something because I am caught up in the hype. I usually wait a few weeks or months (or even years) and then give something a try if I am at all interested. This is why I surprised myself when I downloaded it that same night that I was scrolling on social media and nearly everyone was posting about it.

“Who AM I?” I thought as I got the app and looked up the year long Bible reading plan. As it turns out, I was someone who needed exactly this…

I have always been searching for the backstory, especially in the Bible. I have loved Jesus since I was very small, but have never been able to chronologically read the Bible. I’ve read lots of parts of the Bible, (indeed taking some out of context, but not knowing how to figure the context out, exactly…) and very much struggle with understanding other parts. (I feel a little guilty saying that part…)

But as I began listening to the The Bible Recap, I found myself hearing the connections, all the way through every book and sentence of the Bible. The host, Tara-Leigh Cobble is fantastic about saying, “don’t get hung up on the whys, but instead, focus on how you see God in what you read.” Yes, that is exactly what I needed…and I didn’t even know…

The year before Covid, we found ourselves needing to leave our church of 20 years for a multitude of reasons, mostly that it wasn’t the right fit anymore. We began to attend another church and loved parts of it, had questions and unrest about other parts. Then Covid happened and the church we had started to attend fell silent, in every way.

Feeling lost and unmoored, I felt drawn to the Psalms and our former pastor told me to look up Steve Carter on Instagram. Steve has a story of his own, one of beauty and a season of tremendous loss. But as I randomly looked him up, I didn’t know. “The Evening Psalms,” brought me to tears in the personal style in which Steve shared the back story on Psalm 1; the beauty of God and how parched I had become without connecting with Jesus and the Bible.

For the last 2+years, Steve has been our family pastor, though we have yet to meet in person. We all have leaned into and on his preaching, teaching and passion for Jesus Christ. And, we honestly are better for it. But about a month before Christmas, our kids began to express a desire again to “go to a church.” We found ourselves visiting a church we’d been told about often and funny enough, the church I’d grown up in. “Church shopping” is so hard and out of all of us, I was the most hesitant. As we walked in the first day, we were greeted warmly by so many, enveloped in genuine care, interest and gladness that we were there. It was as if Jesus stood so close and reminded me how much he loves us; and how close he had come.

So, here we were, finding our way and connecting with a new church community, deepening our love and relationship with Jesus anew and then “The Bible Recap” is on every other post…I am simply in awe at all the ways God pursues, ALL the things I DON’T understand and ALL the many things I want to.

This week, while reading 1 Samuel, the host discussed how though Israel had “shaky faith,” God is with them. “The enemy loves to attack when we are moving toward obedience” she said. Samuel placed stones near the river, following deliverance from yet another enemy, calling the spot, Ebenezer, meaning, “thus far the Lord has helped me.” I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this since listening to Day 99. My shaky faith, God’s faithfulness and how he continues to pursue. Absolutely humbled and so grateful. And every day, I can’t wait to hear more of the story. Thus far, the Lord has helped me indeed. Please Jesus, don’t EVER stop.