Tag Archive for: change

World Cerebral Palsy Day, 2024

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I find myself in a strange, yet lovely and new spot as I age. I am far more accepting of myself, the roles that I am called to, the ways these change like the tide and the ways they are beautifully and achingly the same. My role as “mom,” is ever-changing as my kids also age. With my oldest in college this year, my 17 year old son on the very brink of adulthood and my 13 year old daughter changing before my eyes, I would be remiss if I didn’t take an honest look at how I am changing as well…

They don’t need me the same ways they always have; they need me in different ways now. (By the way, THIS change is also wrought with both/and, the grief of changing family dynamics and the exhilarating moments of growth.)

Yes, I MUST acknowledge both/and as our family shifts a bit…otherwise, I forfeit the beauty and right-ness of God’s plans for all of our lives, rather than becoming bitter, fearful and sad at all the independence and therefore, change, that plays out in every moment of every day in our family.

There are other changes too…

I have been working for two full years with EMDR International (EMDRIA) to become a certified EMDR clinician, which will reach completion this week. Just as quickly, I will begin the process of becoming an approved consultant with this ground-breaking organization. As I look at the next chapter of this career I love dearly, I am focused on bringing continued perspective and growth to brave clients as well as assisting other therapists who also care deeply about complex trauma and the healing work of EMDR.

I am a part The Fred Rogers Educator’s Neighborhood for the next year as well. I am very honored to have been accepted by Fred Rogers Institute for this year long study. Along with a group of others who have been impacted by Mr. Rogers, we are together learning  how to utilize Mr. Rogers’ wealth of knowledge, study and perspective in many areas of child, family and  professional development. Though we have met only twice, I am so thankful to rub shoulders with others in the world who genuinely believe, like Mr. Rogers, that kindness really does change us all. And heavens, don’t we all need more kindness in the world?

As there always is in life, there are difficult adjustments too: this week, two significant deaths in our world. Though I specialize in grief and loss, it is still very personal when it happens to you or in your very personal corner of the world. Losses bring us to the opportunity (I say this so gently,) to look back, to grieve again or in new ways and to use losses to inform how we want to LIVE going forward.

There are new and enduring friendships, growth in so many areas as we have recently come home, again to the church that played such an important part of my life from age 14 – 24. God has stretched, challenged and blessed our family in profound ways in the process of leaving our former church, grief like I have never known in that process and the faithfulness of finding a new church community. It is both the biggest blessing to be cared for, to be vulnerable and to love and care for others in this new and not new church home.

Finally, there is the both/and as World Cerebral Palsy Day was observed on October 6, 2024.

It is a heart-wrenching thing, this part of my identity that I so wish wasn’t AND after many years of grappling with what it means for and about me, to find pride, hope and love for myself and fellow CP warriors. It is so holy to see, validate and celebrate the bad-ass-ness (I made that up, can you tell?) that comes with living with and caring for those with this disability. This week, a friend finally got to bring her son (who has CP) home from at least a month’s stay in the hospital for complications with seizures and other physical issues. I am stunned by her son’s (and her own) positive attitude after so much. For as much shame as I have carried and overcome in my lifetime around my own diagnosis with CP, it is gift to be able to smile and be proud on World CP Day.

Here’s the thing…God is not, will not and has never been surprised at the ways he created us, the things we do need to go manage here, apart from heaven and how we are limited in our humanity in the midst of these things. He IS with us, even if it feels like he absolutely IS NOT. Deuteronomy 31:8 says, ” The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Ohhhh, that’s such a hard one, isn’t it? We are so human in that feeling that says, “why does God put me through this? He COULD change _________________…..”

I hear it multiple times a day and my own reaction is understanding the question AND compassion. What I hear in that phrase, I immediately  think, “oh, he is NOT, putting you through it; he is holding you, as he himself hurts that this is happening too.”

I do not understand all the mystery that surrounds the what’s, how’s and whys that surround God and his sovereignty. I have been there too, crying in rage, frustration and desperation. I have also come to a place where there is more peace in releasing the whys to God’s care and fully trusting him anyway…

I suppose that is how, after many years, many feelings, many experiences and many prayers, I can joyfully put on my green World CP day t-shirt, raise a “cheers,” to my fellow bad-asses, and hold space for that rather than the negative.

I am curious, how are you experiencing change in this season? Maybe we can hold each up, give more care to ourselves and others and float on these crazy waves of change rather than fight them…

God, who is in it all, through it all and who holds it all together: Thank you for understanding our limits, frustration and even anger when things aren’t changing for the good. Thank you being near, always. May we seek your understanding, your heart and greater trust in your love and goodness. May we see ourselves and each other with your vision, compassion and desire for whole-ness. May we know love and joy as only you can give.

xoxo

Both/And

Deuteronomy 31:8

Becoming 50

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Tomorrow is a big birthday.

You know how you hear, “age 50” advice throughout your life? Some is well-meaning and sage, some definitely is NOT. Everything from, “tomorrow, it’s all over, Stacy. Your body starts to break down, you feel 80 from the minute you turn 50,” to “enjoy every moment, it all goes fast.” I think we all have pre-conceived ideas about certain numbers, birthdays and aging…at least that is what I hear in my office and in my relationships.

What I FEEL, strangely, is a bit excited and READY.

I have thought about this birthday for months, waiting for dread and “old” to descend upon me. Sitting here 1 day before the this birthday and all I feel is profoundly grateful. I am ever in wonder about my story, the way and why God chose this path for me: born early, the family I have, the experiences and heartaches. My career, beliefs and interests: the things that make up WHO I am. How God knows my love and I, these beautiful kids we have the privilege of raising, the stories I get to hear, the wonder I am allowed to experience.

It is not lost on me, the lives I interact with, the losses and pain shared with me, that I should not, (WILL not) take a moment for granted. I am humbled by the legacy of faith my parents have shown and that my greatest gift, EVER, is Jesus.

I am excited, standing on the edge of the next 50…how will our love story continue? What will the kids paths look like? How will I see Jesus and stay in wonder of it all? What I am going to do next, professionally and personally?

And yes, my fear of how my body will age with CP is real. But, I refuse to live in that fear. That used to be lens in which I saw most things. It is truly the hardest place to live. But acknowledging it is ok, reminding myself it will be ok, everything will unfold as it should, as a dear friend reminds me often.

My fear for our world and people is real also, as I look to my next 50. All I can do is speak and advocate for truth, kindness, love and hope, knowing that GOD IS SOVEREIGN and so good.

I remember watching Oprah, the day she turned 60, I think. She talked about all the negativity surrounding birthdays and something she said has stuck with me. “Consider birthdays a time to look back on your blessings of the year, celebrate those. Think about the people who’ve impacted you and be grateful for that, instead of the dreaded, I am another year OLDER.” This is most definitely a paraphrase, but the idea of a hopeful remembrance and celebrating who and how we are has stayed with me for sure.

To that end, I am so very thankful for this space, truly a gift to write and hear your feedback. I believe God gives us all stories to tell. How will you tell yours?

I am grateful for clients who bravely share who they are with me, and the ability provide a space that is safe, sacred and hopeful.

I am grateful for health, for continued awareness and light surrounding ALL of our differences in 2023 and pray that it continues, wider, deeper and kinder.

I am in awe of friends and family God has placed on this journey with and for me: a new church and wonder each time we attend, family who loves like no one else, the Word that makes me strive to be closer to The Lord each time I open it. Friends who know me authentically, love me still and are breathing examples of grace.

I am thankful for biking, movement and the daily understanding of how physical and emotional health really do heal and make way for peace and contentment.

For memories, and those who I will hold again in heaven and how they’ve taught me so much. You are loved always. Thanks Gram for all the “house cakes” on my birthday.

My goal is to hold this last 50 tenderly and enter the next 50 bravely; becoming less about me and more like my savior. I want to worry less, care more; Waste less, give and love extravagantly.

I know this sounds like a “Mr. Rogers ideal” and truthfully, it probably is. I know there is also so much pain for many, around birthdays and many other days. Praying love and hope over all. For me, this is the both/and – both my hope and gratitude going forward AND the knowing it is not always that easy.

Here’s to cake, ice cream, those we love, gifts of time, connection, sunshine (and a good bike ride) and always kindness and love for others and ourselves. EVERY day, not just on birthdays.