Recently, a client described her granddaughter to me with the words, “she is a wild wonder woman!” it was one of those moments in counseling that initially was not particularly noteworthy. Important, yes; but not one that I clinically sat back and took note of. After we finished our session, however, I wrote it down on a sticky note, because I thought it was such a great phrase.

True confession… I love T-shirts. I love a good soft fabric, a vibrant or color that matches whatever mood I am in and I love a T-shirt with words that have meaning. I am notorious for coming up with great ideas and phrases that could be on a T-shirt. Maybe it is the memory of a place, an experience or a person, that draws me to pull a certain one of my crowded closet. “That is one from the Disney Cruise, mama!” or the perfect shade of gray shirt my dear friend made (yes, she OWNS a screen printing shop, see below!) to commemorate my bike riding adventures for 100 days, then 365 days! I own many, deeply embedded with Disney memories, my kids sports others that just simply make me smile.

And often, my proclivity toward a great T-shirt works its way into counseling sessions, because there is usually a take-away for clients, an idea, phrase or concept that clients hope to remember. The joke sometime becomes putting their phrase on a t-shirt or there is a phrase, much like Both/And that keeps coming up, over and over, that should “definitely be on a t-shirt!” Last week, after my client told me about her phrase for her granddaughter, I knew I needed to remember it.

It has sat on my desk now for 8 days, “she is a wild wonder woman,” my scrawling handwriting on a neon-orange sticky note. It makes me smile when I glance at it and my brain is turning the idea round and round, like a Rubik’s Cube I am trying to solve, slowly…what does it mean to be “a wild wonder woman,” and how can I make it my own? Because, I think I WANT a bright t-shirt says, I AM a wild wonder woman! But if I had it, would I actually believe it was true? Would you?

I speak with individuals all day, every day and a prevailing theme, other than family dynamics, (see my last post) is self esteem issues, the never-ending negative criticism we dole out unto ourselves. This journey is one of the most painful and unfortunately, such the normal experience in 2023. It has connection into almost everything, from the clothes and makeup we buy, the words we mutter when we look in the mirror, body image, disordered eating, addiction and self harm. Depending on how much individuals struggle, the journey of self love can be a long and arduous one. So, very long for many, if not all of us on one level or another.

I have heard “it all,” in this career, depending on each individual’s experience. From “not liking my thighs,” to “my whole self is a waste,” to complete disconnection (emotionally) between a client’s emotions and their physical body. Panic and shame about the number on the scale, the guilt “about the calories in my Starbucks;” sheer panic “looking bigger than my friends,” to working hard to pay for Botox because,” “I CAN’T live with it! What will everyone think?”

These are but a few of the battles we face within ourselves regarding our own self-worth and body image. Kristin Neff writes in many publications related to self compassion, “Humans are 80% kinder to others than we are to ourselves.” 80. Percent. (I would love to hear your thoughts on this in the comments! Even though that number still shocks me, I absolutely believe it is true or even higher. I believe negativity toward ourselves is a coping mechanism. We rush to treat ourselves badly before someone else takes the opportunity to do it.

I also think that most of never learned how to take compliments well, or didn’t even hear them. Have you heard this statistic? It takes 10 compliments to “erase” a negative comment….

When I started high school, we had just moved and I knew only a handful of kids. Highschool is such a hard start, is it not? This highschool was so much bigger than the middle school I previously attended, I was brand new and I was making my way in halls slowly because I really couldn’t fathom getting lost or knocked down. I spent that first few weeks feeling like I stuck out like a sore thumb. I walked into choir the 3nd day of this new situation, a room full of about 60 kids and found my chair next to Tracey. Suddenly, she is calling for everyone’s attention, and as they quieted down, she yelled, “look everyone, it’s the stumbler!” I wanted to run, disappear, scream and sob all at once, but I think all I could do was go numb because I really don’t remember much of that after her yell.

As much as that moment, SUCKED, Im telling that story that to illustrate this point: why is that after MANY years (about 30 ish) I can still remember that moment, (down to the sweater Tracey wore,) so much more than I can remember the MANY times I have been loved and encouraged? Because We ALL find it easier to focus on the good than the bad, I think. Truthfully I both hear this often…and I know. It is true for me too, just now, in much smaller doses…..

It has taken a long time of teasing out my own negative beliefs, processing pain and doing the kind-to-myself work that it requires to actually, truly love the person God created within me. It is a labor of love to change, to pay attention and become aware of your own thoughts, needs, foibles and yes, inherent goodness. But! Oh my goodness, the pay-off is this: You find yourself, actually encouraging and reminding yourself, within your own head and heart, whose you are, how you are and covering it all with grace. And… healing that 80% of self-bullying!

If you know Jesus, you may actually find yourself soaking IN his love and grace instead of the slew of arguments in your head why grace, mercy and redemption are wonderful for others but don’t apply to you. If you don’t know him yet, or want to, please ask, I would love to tell you. He’s the ONLY reason I am where I am. And I love him so…

You may be wondering what this has to do with “being a wild wonder woman, and/or T-shirts…

I love the reminders that come in the form of T-shirts. And, most of the time, I think we all need to be reminded and remind others of the good. Maybe that IS how we change the world. Be the good. Believe the good…SAY the good to ourselves and each other….Maybe that’s where wild and wonder will truly come from.

It is certainly much easier to believe it about others, that they are indeed, wild and wonderful. But I want so badly to continue figuring out what that means for me. So far, it means less worry about measuring up and less focus of my own insecurity. It means taking it all, this wild and wonderful world, the blue sky, the wind that stirs my heart, the love of family and friends, snuggles from my dogs at any moment, the perfect cup of tea; the excitement that comes from my kids as summer approaches, a bowl of Hudsonville ice cream. A bike ride with my love, a hug from a dear friend or reuniting with another after too long apart. Brave clients, my mom’s cookies, exploring new places or my first mountain bike ride, EVER. It is ALL, wild and wonderful, thank you Jesus. Even me. Yea, I really DO want the T-shirt….

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” Christopher Robin, Winnie the Pooh

Both / And

Psalm 13