“A real lockdown…”

“Mama, we just had a real lockdown and we are in a shelter in place.”

“I don’t know what is happening and I am scared.”

My heart skipped as my dear friend sat across from me at her salon, filing my nails. Seeing her is a part of my Friday therapy, recharging on a day off. Our friendship is more of a gift than the hair care and nails, but I am equally grateful to her for both.

I must’ve trailed off in our conversation as I read the above texts from my youngest daughter, pinging my phone, one after the other. What started as a skip in my heart rhythm became a roller coaster drop of my whole heart all the way to the ground.

“What happened?” Kim had noticed my alarm. I read her the texts quickly, my brain in full fight, flight or freeze. She quickly jumped on her own phone, my manicure and our previous conversation forgotten, at least for a moment. I tried hard to get my logic brain back on-line, but found it impossible as the next text came across my screen.

“Mama? I am really scared….”

“Deep breath, babe,” I typed as fast as my fingers allowed. “Are you sitting by a friend?”

“No..”

“What class are you in?” I asked.

“Math” she answered.

While I tried to reassure her, Kim was reading to me from whatever she could find on social media. Snippets of terrifying images, “a student, multiple schools, threats of the guns and bombs…”

“What do you need?” I fumbled with my typing, cursed in my head at my slow typing, but truly, probably was cursing at my utter, complete helplessness and fear.

“I like talking to you.”

Oh my heart, daughter. In that instant, news stories of school shootings, rallies for gun control, tragedy and trauma raced through my brain. The next moment were visions of my darling kids, sitting in classrooms, awash in panic and fear. Next, thinking of teachers and administrators in our school district, many who we know personally. I imaged them reassuring students from elementary to high school grade levels, full of fear themselves.

Kim was an anchor, both distracting me with other thoughts for a moment while we waited, picking the perfect nail color for me (to be fair, she most often “picks” a good color – today, it just lost its’ importance quickly.) She read what information she could find and was reassuring about the wording we found. “Lots of police involvement, keeping the person on the phone…”

We talked about Jesus, protection of kids and teachers, past experiences and the urge to run, collect our kids and never let them out of our sight. I sat with this dear friend who has known loss of great proportions. I sat with her, utterly myself in my anxiety, fear, hope and helplessness and thought, “God knew I needed to be right here, right now.”

My older kids texted, not conveying the same sense of fear. (For which I was grateful.)

Online comments and emails from the school provided some and not enough information; I vacillated between “worse case scenario” and prayer.

“I’m ok, mom.”

I stared at the phone, wondering of course what exactly this text meant. Was the threat over? Was she in class still, calmed down now? Or was she just saying she was ok but not really? Before I could text, she relayed some information she had heard from a friend.

My anxiety spiked again. I typed quickly that the police were involved, to listen to her teachers, to pray and that I loved her. And while I believed each of these things, I wanted to run, screaming (even with hair color that was half-processed) to find them, hold them and protect them. Every single instinct told me to do just those things. and yet, I could do nothing on my own. And if I am so honest, it was so difficult to even pray. Even while I told all of them to, it was nearly impossible to settle myself enough to do so….

Oh Jesus, I am so thankful that you are you and I am not. I am so thankful that you do not experience anxiety or fear but instead, you calm the wind, waves, anxiety and terror….I am thankful that it is YOU who love infinitely greater than we can, that you are capable beyond what we ask or imagine. (Eph 3:20) I am sorry that I couldn’t right then….

Kim kept getting updated social media posts and while it did not feel “over,” it felt steady enough that all we could do is finish my appointment and evaluate as news came through. Another mom in the salon left abruptly and we both felt her helplessness rearing up as well. She finished my hair as I got a text from my middle son, “being released, heading home.” My head and heart slowed just a bit…

I did not hug Kim because she is not a hugger (people get to choose). But I would’ve if she let me…I was so, so thankful for her presence. As I was ready to go and vacillating between going home to wait for the kids or drive over to pick up my youngest, another mom said, “hey, a friend of mine just talked to a policeman and they apprehended the caller.” (I truly could’ve hugged that mom also!)

Over the next 45 minutes, we all convened back at home. The kids shared different perspectives each, based on announcements the school was giving, information friends were sharing and their own. It both saddened me (profoundly) how “normal” this seemed to them, and how resilient their generation is. We talked about their faith, their realities and ours as parents. I reminded them of our love, our pride and how we are not promised tomorrow so how we treat each other is so important.

I am beyond thankful for this outcome today. I am thankful from the bottom of my heart for this school district and police personnel who worked so hard to keep kids, teachers and administrators safe. Husband and I could not be prouder of our kids bravery, faith and poise.

Daughter wanted to share a few of her own thoughts:

“from my perspective. We were in our 4th hour in our half day speed schedule and we had 15 minutes left until we went to our 5th hour. The announcement bell rang and the principle’s voice came through “teachers, we will now be going into a shelter in place, i repeat we will be going into a shelter in place. Keep going about your class period. Students, the bell will ring but do not go to your 5th hour. Stay in your classroom until we say you can go. So my teacher locked the door and played some low music. He put a Kahoot up on the board to try to get our mind off what was happening. And yet, we didn’t even know. The principal came over the intercom again and said “Lock down Lock down Lock down.” Everyone scurried over to the corner of the room and the room became silent. I was shaking. I didn’t know what was happening, i didn’t know if it was real or not. I whispered to my teacher “Is this real?” “Yes but its ok, nothing will happen” There I sat in the dark watching the time tick by. People were making jokes about this. Eventually i said ” shh. this isn’t funny” and they stopped. The lockdown eventually was lifted and we went back into a shelter in place. we watched a movie and that when i started texting my mom. I was nervous but talking to her made me feel a sense of comfort. We were supposed to leave school at 11:07 but there we sat for 45 more minutes and eventually we left at 11:50. I was happy to get out and get home but i saw one of the teacher who was in the office who i was close to and thanked her. I gave her a big hug and thanked her again. i was so thankful for her. I am so thankful for my mom and dad for keeping me safe and talking to me ”

As the day went on, today’s threat was deemed, “unfounded.” News reports made connections to the upcoming 25th anniversary of the Columbine High School tragedy. I am both horrified we live in a world where we know other unthinkable outcomes and I am humbled that even when my trust in God is challenged and I fail at the simplest of asks, he NEVER fails. Never.

Hold each other tight, lean on trusted friends and God’s sovereignty. Take deep breaths and text those you love on the good and the hardest days. No regrets….

Both/And